What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

My goal is to be consistent in writing again. Sounds easy, but let me explain. This is my first post in 8 years. It’s cool that WordPress has daily writing prompts now. So much time has passed. And boy did my life change a lot.

I’ve accomplished things that would’ve made the younger me proud. I have moved to a different continent (in Australia, by getting a masters degree, never would’ve imagined). I’m now speaking in English on a regular basis (I used to be a stickler for good grammar but now I don’t care that much anymore–I realized it doesn’t matter as long as you get your point across). I’m now earning weekly the same amount of money I used to earn for a month back home (but I’m also spending way too much because cost of living is so crazy here).

However, I’ve also yet to accomplish a lot of things that I thought I would have by now. Unmarried and without kids, or a house, or a car, at the age of 33. And because of this, I developed this crippling anxiety that makes my heart beat very fast, just out of nowhere…

I’ve started way too many projects that I don’t finish. At some point, I have stopped identifying myself as a gamer, a writer, and for goodness’ sake, an artist. There’s always this quiet voice inside my head saying that I shouldn’t waste my time doing such trivial activities. I’ve spent enough time on them. It’s time to create a family and make babies! Master my trade and soar in my career! Learn how to invest and maximize my money!

For the past decade, it has always been, “I should do this and that.” And as a person with anxious attachment who has had two partners who were both avoidants, I had grown accustomed to putting their needs over mine.

So much so that I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of those expectations. Sometimes, I even find it hard to assert myself. I feel as if I don’t deserve to take up space, unless I’m of some use to someone else, be that a co-worker, a family member, a friend, or a partner.

Geez, putting that into writing, I just realized how toxic that is! I don’t know how my mental health has gotten this bad and who put those thoughts in my head (moving to a foreign country with no support system does that to you!). Hence my goal this year is to slowly rebuild myself again. I decided to revive my blog as a public daily journal. To not care what others think, to just carry on despite all the judging, prying eyes.. I have an hour-long lunch break every afternoon at a cozy little corner at work. It’s a long shot, but it’s worth trying, right?